Years ago, I found the term “white privilege” triggering. For me, the word came into the forefront with the death of George Floyd. I still remember receiving a phone call from a dear friend who was in tears. She called me and said, “I’m so sorry,” and I could hear her voice breaking.

And I didn’t feel empathy for her in that moment. I felt bewildered. I’m not Black. Why is she apologizing to me?

Shortly after, another friend said, “and here I am sitting with my white privilege.” What irritates us the most gives us the greatest understanding of ourselves. Why would I be so triggered by those words? I think it was the first time I felt different among these friends. They are white, and I, of course, am brown — toasted almond, according to the Benjamin Moore paint app.

The reason so many people push back

Many DEI speakers struggle with teaching the concept of privilege without putting individuals on the defensive. One commenter on a social post about racism wrote that it “doesn’t seem to come from a place of wanting to educate. It feels more like, ‘you should hate yourself for being white.’” She asked the writer to learn how to educate without putting the reader on the defensive.

I understand that reaction, because I was once on the defensive too, for different reasons.

Many people don’t feel privileged at all. They may have grown up in poverty, or raised by a single parent barely making ends meet. They may have been passed over for a job. They may have an invisible disability that makes life physically and emotionally painful. Hearing the word “privilege” can feel like an accusation.

What helped me was understanding my own place of privilege.

Recognizing privilege is a start

Recognizing our own place of privilege is a start. A start to the conversation. A start to our own learning and unlearning. A start to becoming an ally.

Self-reflection can be very powerful. It offers us understanding of ourselves. Why do we lead the way we do? Why do we parent the way we do? Why did something make me so upset?

Self-reflection can begin with asking ourselves a few honest questions. I’ll share mine in brackets.

  • Did one or both of your parents graduate from university? (Yes — my father has a PhD.)
  • Did you study the history and culture of your ethnic ancestors in elementary and secondary school? (No — and here’s the self-reflection: I did not learn about Indian history in school. When I travelled to India as a teenager I thought I’d feel a sense of belonging I never felt in Canada. I felt more different than I ever had. I’ve struggled with feeling a true sense of belonging all my life.)
  • Is your school or work not in session during the major religious holidays you celebrate? (Yes — I’m Christian, so I tend to get Easter and Christmas off. It’s a much-needed break.)

The questions themselves aren’t the point. The noticing is.

The path forward

Allyship isn’t a title you earn once. It’s a practice. It starts with curiosity, continues with self-reflection, and shows up in small daily decisions — who you invite into the conversation, whose story you make space for, what you notice that you used to miss.

If you’re just beginning, welcome. The fact that you’re here, reading this, is already a start.

Tina Varughese is a keynote speaker on DEI, belonging, and cross-cultural communication, and the author of 50 Shades of Beige: Building Bridges While Breaking Bias. To book her for your event, get in touch.